After five years, I FINALLY got my name legally changed back to Gardner on all my legal documents and any where it counts. I renewed my expired passport! It means the world to me that I'm finally completed and no longer dragging my divorce decree around with me various places to untie the knot I tied years ago.
I feel free, but lonely. Alive, but a little bruised. I don't have a lot of people in my life to talk to about divorce. It's a very lonely feeling. I try to talk to others that have been divorced, but their experiences are usually so different. I saw a therapist for a time, but even that felt empty. The best thing I was gifted during this time was a book called, "Yes, Please" by Amy Poehler about her own divorce. I reread it when I'm particularly low.
I've been single for a little over a year now. And it's definitely getting to me. My loneliness has caused me to really dig deep and find out what makes me happy. But after a year of being single, I know that what makes me happy is giving and receiving love and affection. There are hundreds of people I can give my love, time, and attention to, but it is difficult when I pine for a romantic love. More difficult when I see other people seemingly have it in abundance all around me.
Maybe it's Valentine's Day approaching and winter in full effect, but I am fighting hard to remain optimistic about finding someone to share time and affection with. Maybe it's being 42 in a college town or the attempts at fast/casual app dating. But I have to move on from men in my life that cannot love me.
You can't second guess your life, you'll ruin your ability to live it.
