I don't feel like I'm bursting with fruity flavor today.
My grandma is making a steady decline. She's now on oxygen & seems to be quite depressed. She's agnostic, so there's no comfort when it comes to death.
I couldn't sleep last night because I keep recalling a conversation that Grandma Helen & I had after mom died. She told me that life happens so fast that it's impossible to remember it all. I've kept a paper journal since I was in elementary school and reading it makes me happy because what I cannot recall is written down....but you can't write down someone's laugh, or the way they hug, or the way their perfume mixes with their bodies & creates a unique fragrance.
My mom always wore Pavlova & I found a small bottle in her dresser the last time I was home. It was a familiar smell, but it wasn't quite right.
I miss her. I seem to miss her more as each year passes. It's been almost three years & there are nights that I still cannot sleep. It's those times that I feel most alone. I go into my living room & stare into the night waiting for her to give me a sign that she is out there.
But being agnostic, I doubt that I would recognize a sign were she there to give me one. That has been the most difficult part. I was raised Catholic by my mother, but my father is atheist. I grew up questioning, but always having the fear of making God angry with my doubt. I believe that's the definition of "Catholic guilt".
Now it is made worse by the fact that I want so much to believe that my mother is somewhere else, but the logical side of me knows this cannot be true.
I really hate this time of year. I wish I could just fast-forward through New Year's Eve, when we lost her. That is a time I do not want to remember.
