It's only a paper moon

"I never feel a thing is real
When I'm away from you
Out of your embrace
The world's a temporary parking place

Mmm, mm, mm, mm
A bubble for a minute
Mmm, mm, mm, mm
You smile, the bubble has a rainbow in it

Say, it's only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me

Yes, it's only a canvas sky
Hanging over a muslin tree
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me

Without your love
It's a honky-tonk parade
Without your love
It's a melody played in a penny arcade

It's a barnum and bailey world
Just as phony as it can be
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me"

My grandma Helen liked Lawrence Welk a lot. It's the only show we watched together. We also liked to play Skipbo, a card game, & swim together.

I never told her that this song reminded me of her. I think it must have been a photograph of her that I saw once. She looked like Tatum O'Neal in it, or rather, Tatum O'Neal looked like her.

She died peacefully today. My family was right by her side. We talked briefly yesterday & she wasn't in any more pain.

My sweet Violet is back to the Earth now.

Snnnnnoooooowwwww!!

Snow:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mishamac/

Snow, glorious, snow

Wow! We've gotten over a foot of snow & it's snowing no signs of letting up. I don't think Seattle has gotten this much snow in years. I'm two days out of work, but enjoying tromping around in the snow.

I'm looking to head over to Laguna Beach to visit Mrs. Mandy. She's a travel nurse now & just moved out West. I think she's a bit lonely being the new girl in town. Plus, I'm a little over all this snow, so it will be nice to treat myself to a sunny vacation...especially since Virgin American has direct flights to L.A. now. I can see my girlfriend Emily as well.

Weekend in Van Buren

I had a quick trip to Arkansas to see my Grandma Helen last weekend.

The first night was a little scary. She has a blood clot on her lip & it started bleeding terribly a few hours after I got there. I'd never seen so much blood & I was very scared. Luckily my dad, her caregiver, was there to stop the bleeding. This happens a lot lately so he was prepared. I was not.

I spent most of my time there curled up in her therapeutic massage bed with her. We just talked & napped. I gave her a manicure & pedicure & put Burt's Bees products all over her. People forget how nice those little things can make someone feel. It made me feel good to do it.

As I was leaving she said,"If I don't see you again, good luck with everything."

I had to run out so she wouldn't see me cry. It was a good visit though. I will come back for a longer visit after the holidays so I can help out around the house for my dad. He just has his hands full just taking care of her.

I should change my blog's name...

I don't feel like I'm bursting with fruity flavor today.

My grandma is making a steady decline. She's now on oxygen & seems to be quite depressed. She's agnostic, so there's no comfort when it comes to death.

I couldn't sleep last night because I keep recalling a conversation that Grandma Helen & I had after mom died. She told me that life happens so fast that it's impossible to remember it all. I've kept a paper journal since I was in elementary school and reading it makes me happy because what I cannot recall is written down....but you can't write down someone's laugh, or the way they hug, or the way their perfume mixes with their bodies & creates a unique fragrance.

My mom always wore Pavlova & I found a small bottle in her dresser the last time I was home. It was a familiar smell, but it wasn't quite right.

I miss her. I seem to miss her more as each year passes. It's been almost three years & there are nights that I still cannot sleep. It's those times that I feel most alone. I go into my living room & stare into the night waiting for her to give me a sign that she is out there.

But being agnostic, I doubt that I would recognize a sign were she there to give me one. That has been the most difficult part. I was raised Catholic by my mother, but my father is atheist. I grew up questioning, but always having the fear of making God angry with my doubt. I believe that's the definition of "Catholic guilt".

Now it is made worse by the fact that I want so much to believe that my mother is somewhere else, but the logical side of me knows this cannot be true.

I really hate this time of year. I wish I could just fast-forward through New Year's Eve, when we lost her. That is a time I do not want to remember.

I just don't get it

I doubt anyone reads this, so I figure this would be a good place to vent about this upcoming election.

I just don't understand how anyone could vote for McCain. Especially after he picked such a ridiculous VP. He didn't even vet her. She is clearly the worst pick. I think he wanted Joe Lieberman, but I doubt the GOP would've gone for that.

I'm pro choice, so that's another reason I would never vote for McCain. I think he will pick Supreme Justices that will try to reverse Roe V. Wade.

Now I get that some people see abortion as wrong. Usually those people have never been in a tough situation with a difficult decision to make. I don't think that anyone WANTS to have an abortion, but I think that right should be up to the woman to choose. Nothing could or has ever changed my mind about this, especially in the case of rape or incest. Sarah Palin feels that even if a woman is raped (EVEN if it's someone in her own family) that the woman shouldn't have the right to an abortion.

I just think that's the most hateful thing in the world.

I needed to get that out, because I'm so sick of Joe the Plumber & all of this junk. Blah.

Helen Violet Carey

Dad called this morning to let me know that my grandma was in the hospital with pneumonia. I knew that she had a cold, but I guess her immune system couldn't fight it off. She should be okay, but I hate it when anyone has to take a trip to the hospital. They are so cold & depressing. Hopefully she won't have to be there long.

I'm not sure when I'll be traveling to Arkansas again. Probably after all the holidays are over & I finish my seasonal framing job.

Turns out that one man died in that fire I mentioned. He was 80 years old & they were evicting everyone from the building for demolition. The theory is that he had nowhere else to go & so he shot himself & set the building on fire. The police found a gun among the man's belongings. Apparently it had been fired. Poor old man, he'd been living there for over 40 years & at 80 probably couldn't handle the stress of moving.

Aging is a bitch, so get out there & bust a move while you're young.

On the up & up

I got a call from my dad at 6 a.m. (my time). It seems there was a fire in my neighborhood & he was worried it was my building. Luckily it was not, although I walked to the site & it was still on fire. Everyone got out okay as far as I could tell.

Dad is scheduled to take his final prostate test on the 29th. They should be able to detect any cancer cells that they may have missed with his surgery. He said that if there's any left they should be able to zap it with radiation. That should be it!

Boom!

What a beautiful Fall weekend. I made a pot pie & have been kicking beautiful red leaves all day. Yesterday I saw a cat on a leash, a dog drinking coffee & a woman walking down the street in a Bat Woman costume.

Yep, some days I feel good about being an American.

Now get out there & vote!

Summer's almost gone

So much to update.

I went to visit my dad during his recovery. I'm glad I went. We enjoyed our time together & had a lot of fun taking it easy.

Mandy & Malen came to Seattle the day after I got back. We had so much fun. Malen had never been to Seattle & it was fun showing her around.

Looks like Dad won't have any follow up surgeries. I'll know more in a few months. He's healing well & I'm glad he's through with the pain.

I'm going to L.A. Thursday to visit my friend Emily. I think the County Fair is in our plans. It will be nice to see some of L.A. finest hill folk.

We'll also be going to the Getty Art Museum, so that should be an odd mix.

Another one bites the dust

I went on my first real bike ride of the Summer yesterday with Ishell, my lovely neighbor, and Andrew. We were having a wonderful time riding through the Washington Arboretum until we came to a cross walk & a car didn't stop for me. Ouch.

Luckily I wasn't going too fast, but I fell over & landed on my left leg pretty hard. Didn't break anything, but I think I'll have some lovely bruises just in time for skirt weather here in Seattle.

The leg is fine, it was just scary.

Looks like Dad will have his consultation on July 9th & then the surgery a week later. He told me he didn't mind if I skipped out on coming down. He said,"I don't want you to see me all laid up & start crying again. Just come up another time when we can do something fun."

So, that's what I'll do. I'd like to be there, but he's right, I'd just get upset & fight with my sister.

Speaking of, Malen is planning a trip to see me in September. I've got a few ideas of things for us to do, but I think she'll just be happy to be away from work.

A beautiful day

Even though it is in the 50s here & rainy, I am having one of the best days of my life. I am embracing all things today.

My dad called me at 8am to let me know that his prostate cancer has not spread & that doctor's can remove it fairly easily. He will have to travel to Shreveport Louisiana for the surgery, but he seemed in really good spirits.

I'm thinking that I will fly down to Shreveport & drive him back, but it depends on what he wants. I don't want to smother him with my undying love. He knows. I remind myself most days that the people in my life know that I love them.

I have a niece, two sisters, a husband, a father, a grandmother, a best friend, and people that I can talk to. I feel incredibly lucky & satisfied today. It is the first time in a long time that I have felt like this & I'm going to wallow in it all day.

Loner

Back from my trip down South. I had a mixed time, filled with great visits with friends, family, and people that I think about often.

I got to hang out with my dad a lot, which I always like. A few days into the trip he told me that he's been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Of course I cried. A lot. You're just never prepared when your parents get sick and it never really hits you that they age until you're far away.

We think it's been caught early, but I'll know for sure in a few weeks when he gets the test results back. Until then, I feel like I'm waiting in a doctor's office or an airport. I just feel really blank & scared.

At first I was scared for myself, now I'm just hoping that my dad isn't afraid. He's so wonderful & I hate not being closer.

I saw a man with the words "Loner" tattooed on his neck today while I was buying groceries by myself. Brother, you ain't kiddin'.

I'm glad the new David Sedaris will be out soon. I need a hearty laugh.

It was wonderful being home and then in Mexico. I needed all that sun.

Don't smell bums.

I’ve accidentally started a dog walking business. The dog I walked today, Sam, is a husky/Australian Shepard mix. He’s adorable. I'll be walking him every weekday so I was glad that he already listens to me. He's not so great with crosswalks, but we'll keep working.

On our walk today a homeless man stopped me & asked me to smell him. He said he couldn’t trust his friends to tell him the truth. I declined politely, but Sam was more than happy to smell him all over. I thought it was a good compromise.

On a related note, if you can’t trust your friends to tell you when you’re stanky, well, who can you trust?