The Shuck and Jive

Those dates turned out to not yield much be annoyance on my part. But I'm still proud of myself for putting on an outfit, attempting a hairdo, and giving it a shot. I'll never meet anyone sitting alone in my living room....unfortunately.

Spring is around the corner and I am happy to be distracted with yard work and gardening. Keeping my mind on clean living keeps me from being lonely.

Feisty

I made two dates. I'm proud of myself for continuing to take leaps even when I fall short. At least I'm trying. I'm listening to Leslie Feist's new album and the female rage within the context of her beautiful voice is giving me life. I need to remember to revel in the small things. Like a new album, or the smell of changing seasons, all those things add up to really living versus going through the motions.

the name of the game

After five years, I FINALLY got my name legally changed back to Gardner on all my legal documents and any where it counts. I renewed my expired passport! It means the world to me that I'm finally completed and no longer dragging my divorce decree around with me various places to untie the knot I tied years ago.

I feel free, but lonely. Alive, but a little bruised. I don't have a lot of people in my life to talk to about divorce. It's a very lonely feeling. I try to talk to others that have been divorced, but their experiences are usually so different. I saw a therapist for a time, but even that felt empty. The best thing I was gifted during this time was a book called, "Yes, Please" by Amy Poehler about her own divorce. I reread it when I'm particularly low.

I've been single for a little over a year now. And it's definitely getting to me. My loneliness has caused me to really dig deep and find out what makes me happy. But after a year of being single, I know that what makes me happy is giving and receiving love and affection. There are hundreds of people I can give my love, time, and attention to, but it is difficult when I pine for a romantic love. More difficult when I see other people seemingly have it in abundance all around me.

Maybe it's Valentine's Day approaching and winter in full effect, but I am fighting hard to remain optimistic about finding someone to share time and affection with. Maybe it's being 42 in a college town or the attempts at fast/casual app dating. But I have to move on from men in my life that cannot love me.

You can't second guess your life, you'll ruin your ability to live it.

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

I try not to read or look at things from my married past. It's still painful five years later. All the things I gave up to be with him. I don't regret it, per say, but I will always wonder what could have been, had I been with someone else who really would have loved me.

When you're young, you think you are making good decisions that will sustain you. But none of it made sense then and twenty years later, it makes even less sense. I put a lot into someone and I know I did my best.

I met him in 1997, we got married in 2003, bought a house, moved to Seattle, moved to New Zealand, and after all that time, you never knew me, I never knew you, say hello, wave goodbye.

A love affair with my home state. It lasted for around a month. We burned hot and bright and it was magical. Words fail me, so here are some photos:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/mishamac/sets/72157647163943059/

Now I am back home, alone, and the washer is making a horrid noise. Can't we always be on vacation? My dream job is a travel photographer who gets to choose where her assignments are. Also if we are dreaming, I would also love a hot tub. Dad's friends all have hot tubs. Geniuses.

I visited my dad, who is doing amazing at 71 years old (probably from all those hot tubs). He is my inspiration. We swam in some lakes, drove around taking photos of the downtown Van Buren and Fort Smith. We even took a tour of Miss Laura's, a house of ill-repute, which is now the Visitor Center of Fort Smith, Arkansas. My how times have changed.

My sister and I went to War Eagle, Arkansas. What an amazing drive. Deer everywhere. The weather was amazing while I was home. So green for August! Everyone was so pleased to have a mild summer compared to last years.

Wow. That washer is really off kilter. Gonna have to sign off and report more of my trip later. I even went to Austin! Hadn't been there in nearly ten years! Too long to not be there and too short of a trip:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/mishamac/sets/72157647163136527/

Auckland, New Zealand

I just dusted off my laptop after many, many months of neglect. I uploaded some photos on my flickr site and then I thought about how much I miss writing. I have a tablet that I use now, but there is nothing as satisfying as writing on a keyboard.

My mom taught me how to type when she was a secretary for the army. I would sometimes go to work with her and she would keep my busy on their large, army green typewriters. The kind that could really do damage if it was dropped.

I have been living in Auckland, New Zealand for the last couple of years. We love it here. The people are friendly and I love living in a town with art and great coffee. Living in Chirstchurch was too difficult. And I wasn't myself there. I feel really at home here.

That being said, I am coming to Arkansas, Texas, and California for a family visit and to see some friends. The idea of coming to Arkansas makes me smile so much. I have such wonderful times whenever I am there. It's changed a lot, but I have always found some great, new things to do whenever I come home.

I have one cat left, the Professor, our other cat passed a year ago. I still miss her a lot. The Professor keeps me company though. He is my shadow. I don't like the idea of travelling without him, but my neighbor has graciously offered to watch him while I'm away.

Every drop of rain that falls today is making it harder and harder to go outside. I am determined not to let the rain get the better of my day! Now, where is my raincoat?

Big Afros & Riding Bikes

We've been riding our bikes a lot lately. It's starting to get crisp and rainy in Christchurch. The leaves are turning a beautiful golden color before they turn loose.

It's strange to be gearing up for Winter in May. We decided to take a trip to the States in July to break things up. Our friends in Seattle are getting married and they've asked Andy to be their officiant for the vows. So, we are going to fly into L.A. and stay there for a few days to visit Mandy & Emily. Then we will go to Seattle for a week or so & visit our friends there. I will probably go to Arkansas to visit my family after that.

I miss my dad. He's starting to build his house this summer, so hopefully I will get to help out a little and hang out at the barn for an evening hot tub soak. I love it out in Booneville. It's really relaxing. I'm glad he's getting out of Van Buren and out into the woods like he's always wanted.

I'll hopefully get to see some friends and my sisters, Malen, Mackenzie, and Shannin (my cousin-like-a-sister).

I love planning trips. Almost more than the trip itself....well, almost!